She doesn't understand what it's like. She doesn't understand that I have responsibilities that go beyond what she wants me to do, and that it's the clients who pay for her trips to the beauty spa, and the junk she "collects." If they need something, I have to be there. It's not a choice. I'm not choosing to put work first. It's just something that has to be. Or she wouldn't have gotten to live the life she's gotten accustomed to living. She likes nice things. I like nice things too. She likes them more. But to get nice things, I needed to make sacrifices. She accepted those sacrifices when we got married. But I don't think she ever truly understood. This is a service industry. I don't control my hours as much as a businessman does. I don't control my hours as much as she did when she was working. These aren't set hours. What I do funds her diversions. It funded her headshots when she decided she wanted to "act." It funded her art supplies when she decided she wanted to "paint." It funds the goddamned organic food she insists is healthier but is really just twice as expensive. Organic baby food. Like it made a difference. My biggest fear every day is that he ends up like her because I didn't spend enough time with him growing up. That he ends up shallow and empty like her. Maybe it's better to be shallow and empty. At least then you don't agonize. I agonize over this. Maybe I make the wrong choices, but at least I can acknowledge it. I know what I'm choosing. I'm aware this isn't good. That I've ended up somewhere I never meant to go. Maybe it's better not to know. To not have the capacity for self-reflection. It's a burden. She's not like me. She reacts. She responds. But she doesn't reflect. She doesn't contemplate. She doesn't question. I think I'm saying she's stupid. I think I've always known she's stupid, but accepted it because I didn't know if I deserved better. This isn't an easy life, and it hasn't made me an easy person. So I ignored it, and pretended she was more than she is. But if she's turned him stupid too, I don't know if I can live with it. He has potential. I don't know the extent of it. But I'm sure it's more than she can understand. I used to have potential. Now I have golf clubs and a $9,000 barbecue grill.
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